Growing up

You keep telling me to grow up.
But I cannot imagine myself,
Looking at a puddle and not jumping in it
Or not touching touch-me-nots,
Or eating fries without the Mayo in the burger.

Growing up sounds pretty formal...
Imagine
looking at the rain and not getting wet,
Going to sleep on time even though your favourite show is on.
Or always colouring the way you're supposed to and not how you want to.

Now imagine this,
Taking crayons and making
Brown triangular hills,
Black V shaped birds,
A straight blue river.
A green cloud like tree,
And stick people moving around...

Imagine chasing a rainbow just to find the pot of gold,
Or imagine talking to dogs cats fish and birds
Because you know
You know that the idea of Clifford Sylvester Nemo and Tweety
Must have come from some truth.

So if looking at the world
from an immature point of view
is what it takes to see the beauty
Then immature I want to be,
Because I want to...
Really want to believe
That there is a fat old man in red
who spreads happiness with just the idea of his existence.
That there is a world of magic
Keeping the darkness from descending on us,
That there is just one in a gazillion chance of me flying,
That maybe... Maybe...
There exists a..
" Better place"... a
" life after death "... Or a
" happily ever after"...

And if you still.. Still want me to grow up...
And if growing up means...
To look at life through your cynic eyes...
I rather not...

Theme: Taboo

Sub theme: A student teacher relationship

.

.

I keep thinking...
This class would've been just another dull substitution ...
Just another day in my life...
If he hadn't walked in.

**

I walked in, like any other day,
My friends glued to their apparent soul mates...
Not my cup of tea, no.
Great! A new sub for Mrs. Lawson for the day,
Writing her name on the board.

Then,
she turned, and I finally understood.
I understood what my friends jabbered about.
She had the face of an angel,
The eyes of a goddess,
Her voice, I couldn't process what she was saying,
But her voice... Ah that voice...
Like strawberries and chocolate...
The best thing,
She kept stealing glances at me.
I caught her eye once...
Can't forget that smile in a thousand lives.

Mrs. Lawson was away for a while.
A long while.
So our little game of watch went on.
She came back,
Everyday,
Day after day.

**

He spoke to me.
Not as his teacher, no
Coffee sounded like a very mature date.
And we went, to this little place,
We got a little place,
The spaces between us,
Closing in... To none.
He was a complete gentleman.

**

Her skin smelled like spring,
Her fingers intertwined with mine,
Her head on my shoulders,
Her place in my heart.

Nothing else mattered.

We kept coming back,
Again and again and again.

**

It was bliss.
I could see the love in his eyes.
Love for me.
I loved him.
Maybe I should've told him that.
Instead, I just... Loved him back...

Days,
Weeks,
Months passed.

A year later,
he turned 20,
And I turned on us.

It seemed like a cruel joke.
My love for him converted into
Into this constant reminder
Of our age,
Of our differences.

**

She started pulling away,
Words of my finding someone new,
Of this being so wrong,
Of faithfulness,
Of leaving our past behind.

One day,
She just stopped coming.
Like she gave up.
Nowhere to be found.
She broke me.
And left with pieces of me.
And I was never whole again.

My first love.

**

The love of my life.

...

In a huge room full of people
The buzz of everyone talking
Somewhere there are a couple of kids playing Tag
And somewhere there is a couple confessing their love for the first time
And I, I'm there, in the centre of the room, standing, alone.
No.. not lonely.

I'm here.
Standing. all my atoms composed. energized.
Erratic still.
My ears filled with the sound of life.
My eyes filled with the crowd around me.
My mind.. alert.
but my heart.. filled to the brim with nothingness.

I am wide awake.
My eye glowing with conviction.
My mind screaming.. a rebel..
But I...I feel nothing.

My memories show me happy times.
But I don't remember them.
The image of smiling faces
Seem out of place.
Haunting...
Alien maybe.
They try to claw their way back.
into my thoughts.
into my heart.
but NO!
I don't know them.
They aren't mine.

Pain surges through my arteries.
threatening my very existence.

Wait.

Zoom out.
lets look at the bigger picture here.
I'm in a huge room full of people
There are a couple of kids playing
There is a couple confessing their love to each other.

And I.
I am standing in the middle of the room...
Alone..
Fighting alien memories of happiness...
Fighting every natural instinct
telling me to fall down on my knees
Give up

Right now.
I am my world.
with pain..
with a rebel mind.
and with a hollow heart.

And I know just one thing for sure...

I am at war with myself.